


A Subtle Magic

by snnycarisi



Series: trans!sonny [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Kid Fic, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Q slur, Trans Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Trans Male Character, mentions of abuse, mentions of dysphoria, mostly its fluffy i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 03:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19076335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: It was no secret that Sonny wanted children. Ever since he was a child himself he wanted to grow up and have a big family, just like the one he grew up in. The only issue was, the idea of being pregnant made him feel sick to his stomach; adoption appealed to him far more. When he was younger, before he had figured out what these feelings meant, he chalked them up to the fear of how much it would hurt to give birth. As he got older he realised he was not supposed to be a girl, and would never be a mother but possibly instead, a father.





	A Subtle Magic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icedcoffeebro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedcoffeebro/gifts).



> Title is from The Picture of Dorian Gray
> 
>  
> 
> This is a birthday gift for Lore! Happy birthday u emo I hope you enjoy :)

It was no secret that Sonny wanted children. Ever since he was a child himself he wanted to grow up and have a big family, just like the one he grew up in. The only issue was, the idea of being pregnant made him feel sick to his stomach; adoption appealed to him far more. When he was younger, before he had figured out what these feelings meant, he chalked them up to the fear of how much it would hurt to give birth. As he got older he realised he was not supposed to be a girl, and would never be a mother but possibly instead, a father. 

 

Before starting testosterone, his mother made him freeze some of his eggs, “Just in case, you don’t know  _ what  _ you’re gonna want in the future and I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

 

At the time, he hated his mother for this, interpreting it as her not understanding his detachment from femininity. Now however he was grateful, and prepared to bring it up with his husband as they began to plan their own little family. 

 

Rafael sprawled out across their plush couch, a battered old book in hand and reading glasses (that he only ever wore at home, much to his optometrist's displeasure) perched on his nose. Sonny lifted his husband’s legs to make room for himself to sit, placing them on his lap when he was settled. Rafael glanced up at him from behind his paperback, throwing a lazy smile his way before going back into his book. 

 

“Whatcha readin’?” He inquired, beginning to massage his husbands feet.

 

Rafael all but melted into his touch, lifting up the book so Sonny could see the cover spelling out ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’. 

 

He chuckled lightly, “Again?”

 

Swatting Sonny’s hands away with the book, Rafael huffed defensively, “Yes, it’s a good book. What do you want, anyway?”

 

“Rafi, I know we haven’t really talked much about having kids apart from the fact that we want them at some point, but I think we should be having that conversation soon,” He started, a little tentatively. “If that’s not right now, then that’s cool, but I really want to have a family with you someday.”

 

Rafael shifted, moving to sit up next to Sonny, and put his book down on the coffee table.

 

“Of course, mi amor, lets talk.”

 

Sonny sighed, remembering the mini-speech he had prepared in the shower that morning. 

 

“Well, obviously adoption is an option, but there’s something else. Before I started transitioning, Ma made me freeze some eggs; so we could use a surrogate and have a biological child.” Butterflies ate at Sonny’s insides as he said those words aloud. He had wanted children for so long and the reality of this was rapidly approaching, exciting him incredibly.

 

Rafael placed his hand over his husband’s thigh, “Both sound good to me- you know I don’t have some weird desire to pass on my genes or anything like that. But, Sonny, I need you to tell me if using your eggs is going to give you any kind of dysphoria, okay? Please don’t suffer silently because you think it’s what I want.” He said, stern and sincere. Rafael was always so good with remembering Sonny’s triggers, and helping him deal with the dysphoria even if he didn’t understand. Sonny smiled warmly and placed his hand over Rafael’s.

 

“Honestly, as long as I’m not carrying the kid, I don’t think it’ll upset me. Plus, the idea of a baby that’ll be as adorable as you? I’d suffer through anything just for that.” He was only half joking, the thought of a baby that would be a mixture of himself and his husband really did overwhelm him.

 

“It’s a deal then. We should book a doctor’s appointment sometime to properly figure this all out,” A grin spread across his face, mirroring the one Sonny only imagined appeared on his own face. “We’re really going to have a baby, cariño.” 

 

Sonny leant forward and channeled all his excitement and enthusiasm into kissing the equally extatic Rafael. They really were going to have a baby. 

 

\---

 

Finding a surrogate proved much easier than they had thought. Not wanting to exploit some college kid just trying to pay her rent, Rafael and Sonny looked to friends and family to carry their child. It was Rafael that had suggested one of the Carisi sisters, insisting that if one of them were willing, it would make the whole thing that much more special. Sonny, of course, agreed. 

 

One night, they invited Bella and Tommy over for dinner to ask Bella’s thoughts on surrogacy. Sonny was incredibly nervous Tommy would ridicule him, or that Bella would flat out refuse his requests. Rafael ressurred him that none of that would happen, that even if they didn’t agree to the proposition they were still his family and would never act like that (a lot of this Rafael said to keep his own fears at bay, secretly terrified he would be part of the reason for a Carisi sibling falling out). 

 

Much to both of their surprise, at the mention of surrogacy Bella squealed and jumped out of her seat to hug them both, “Of course I’ll do it, are ya crazy? I’m so excited for you guys, I can’t wait to help you start a family!”

 

That was when Sonny began to cry. Relief, excitement and love all churned around his insides until he was overwhelmed with feeling. Rafael held him, looking a little misty-eyed himself, and whispered comfort into his ear. 

 

\---

There was a week until the baby’s due date and Rafael was losing it just a little bit. Unlike Sonny, he had barely any experience with children, his only model for parenting being his own upbringing which he would never want for any child of his own. He wished he could be as excited as Sonny (and even Bella) were for the incoming baby, but fear and self-doubt consumed his mind. 

 

“You’ll be fine babe, trust me,” Sonny had cooed one night a few weeks before, when Rafael had broken down and told him everything that was eating away at him. “I promise you that you’re gonna be a great dad. And hey, even if you’re shit, I’m still here, right?” Rafael supposed he  _ was  _ right. 

 

Still, this didn’t stop him from going over-the-top with preparation. While Sonny was busy getting as much work done as he could before his paternity leave, Rafael called Bella and arranged a meeting to discuss the birth plan for the millionth time. She knew they didn’t really  _ need  _ to go over it again, but remembered her own nerves before the birth of her daughter. Throughout the pregnancy, Bella had become a good friend to Rafael and as close to a sister as an only-child could understand (which he supposed was a good thing, as she was his sister-in-law afterall). 

 

The second he stepped foot into Bella’s apartment, he began reciting the plan they had revised so many times, adding, “And we’ll be there the whole time. Right?”

 

Bella giggled, holding her swollen belly as she sat herself on the couch, motioning for Rafael to do the same. “Yes, you’re right. I’ll call one of you the second I go into labour.”

 

He nodded, running a hand through his disheveled hair, then immediately launched into some story about the baby car seat he had bought the day before. 

 

Bella laughed again, then interrupted his rambling, “Rafael, you know you sound nutty you sound right now? What did Sonny say about it?”

 

“That I’m ‘bein’ crazy’ and I ‘need to freakin’ relax’.” He sighed reluctantly.

 

“Well I hate to say it, but he has a point. Look at me, I’m about to push a baby outta me and I ain’t got a care in the world!”

 

“Maybe you’re the crazy one,” He muttered under his breath, receiving a playful slap to the back of his head from Bella. “Sorry. I just don’t want to disappoint Sonny, you know how bad he wants this.”

 

Bella hummed in agreement, the whole nine months all Sonny could talk about was how excited he was, irritating them both to no ends.

 

“Yeah, I get it. But trust me, you really can’t fuck it up that badly. I mean, look at Tommy and I, what the hell did we know about raising a kid? But we’re doing it and she seems to be turnin’ out okay.” Smiling fondly at the thought of her own family, she pat his knee gently.

_ One day, _ Rafael thought,  _ that will be me _ .

\---

 

At three o’clock the next morning, Sonny got the phone call. The phone call they had been anticipating for the past month. The phone call that told him they were about to meet their child for the first time. 

 

He shook Rafael awake, who, as soon as his heavy eyes opened to see the splitting grin that appeared across his husband's face, knew what was about to occur.  

 

The next ten hours were difficult, to say the least. Sonny was incredible at comforting his sister, helping her deal with the pain by distracting her with conversation and letting her squeeze his hand when it got really bad. Rafael, however, was silent save the occasional one-word answer to the nurses questions, and paced the room almost mechanically. 

 

Because what if he did something wrong and screwed up his child for life? He knew how much he had hated his own father and dreaded the idea of his child hating him as much- he wouldn’t be able to live with that. Afterall, he was sure when he was born his father had never thought he would- or even could- lay a hand on his son, but look at how things turned out. The thought of hitting, or hurting his baby in any way, made bile rise in his throat; the thought of turning out like his father making it worse. 

 

“For god’s sake, Raf, will you sit the fuck down?” Bella screamed out through one of the worse contractions. He didn’t mean to stress her out, and felt bad about doing so, but moving around relieved at least a little bit of his anxiety. 

 

Sonny stood then, and grabbed his clammy hand, pulling him into a seat beside Bellas bed. Sonny sat beside him, one hand in Bella’s and one in his husband’s. He didn’t have to say anything for Rafael to know this was Sonny’s way of reassuring him that he trusted him. Rafael was still nervous, of course, but he felt better knowing that Sonny wouldn’t give up on him.

 

At ten past one in the afternoon, their baby girl was delivered. She was so small Rafael thought he would be able to fit her into his palm. After Bella had given birth, the doctor moved to hand her the baby- she shook her head. 

 

“She’s not my daughter, let one of her dads hold her.” Warmth radiated from her sweaty face despite her exhaustion. 

 

Rafael glanced over at his husband, who he had expected to receive the newborn. Sonny smiled so wide it looked as if his dimples had left craters in his cheeks. Then, the doctor approached Rafael, infant in hand. Sonny nodded encouragingly and walked up behind him, wrapping his long arms around Rafael’s shoulders. 

 

Rafael took his newborn daughter into his arms, and immediately felt tears brimming in his eyes. His heart grew ten times bigger than he thought it could have, so much love for his baby he thought it might kill him. Instantly he knew he would do anything in the world to keep her safe and to let her know how loved she was. The little tufts of brown hair that were slicked back against her tiny skull were soft under his fingertips as he stroked her head. 

 

“She’s perfect.” He choked out, turning to his husband, who also had damp eyes. 

 

“Of course she is,” He chuckled wetly. “She’s ours.”

 

\---

 

“Everybody, meet Angelica Barba-Carsi.” Sonny held up their daughter above his head Lion King style to the living room full of their friends. Having been brought home from the hospital only three days before, both Sonny and Rafael thought it fitting to have a ‘welcome home’ party for her, since the only people she had met so far were family. 

 

“She’s precious!” Amanda called out, standing up and walking over to Sonny, holding out her arms. “She wanna say hello to aunty Amanda?” Sonny handed the baby over, beaming.

 

“Isn’t she?” He searched the crowd for his husband, who stood in a corner at the back of the room with Rita, both with a wine glass in hand, and winked. A proud smirk spread across Rafael’s face and Rita rolled her eyes. 

 

“Rafael, I wouldn’t have come if I knew you were going to turn all… gooey,” 

 

“Shut up,” A matching smirk came across Rita’s face (Sonny had once said that Rita was like Rafael’s Coney Island mirror reflection- the height was different but the facial expression was exactly the same). “Are you going to keep complaining or do you wanna hold your god-daughter?”

 

Olivia, Fin and Mike crowded around Amanda holding Angelica, while Sonny stood and admired from afar. Planting a quick kiss to his husband’s lips, Rafael moved towards the gaggle of detectives swooning over the baby. 

 

“She’s gorgeous, Rafa,” Olivia smiled, placing a hand over his shoulder. “Isn’t that right sweet girl?” She stroked Angelica’s cheek while Amanda bounced her. 

 

Rafael nodded and took the child from Amanda’s arms, kissing her forehead and breathing in the newborn baby scent. He didn’t think he would ever get over how small she was, how light she felt in his arms, but how perfect she was. He was so proud of his little family. 

 

Walking back towards Rita, cradling Angelica’s head with his palm, her eyes shone with adoration. As his oldest friend, it was as much a surprise to Rita as it was to him that he would end up married in the first place, let alone with a newborn daughter, but here he was handling it perfectly. 

 

“Angelica’s a beautiful name- where did it come from?” She inquired, tickling the infant’s stomach.

 

“It’s Sonny’s grandmother’s name-” Rita raised her eyebrows. “I know. But he wanted it and I think it’s a pretty name anyway. My mom gave me hell for it though, she wanted us to name her after  _ her. _ ”

 

“I bet she did.”

 

From across the room, Sonny watched his husband rocking their daughter in his arms while chatting with Rita like it was the most natural thing in the world to him, and nearly laughed out loud at how Rafael could ever think he wasn’t going to be an incredible father. 

 

Mike then drew him back to reality by pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. 

 

“I don’t know if anyone’s said this to you yet, but I’m proud of you Sonny,” He pulled away, still keeping his grip on Sonny’s shoulders. “Seriously. I’m happy for you.” 

 

Sonny shrugged him off, patting his cheek affectionately. 

 

“Thanks, Mike.”

 

“Yeah, don’t mention it. I gotta head out though, so take care okay?” Sonny smiled and ushered him to the front door. 

 

Eventually the rest of their guests went home to their own families, leaving Sonny, Rafael and their daughter alone. Swaddled in a pastel purple blanket, Angelica slept peacefully in Rafael’s arms while Rafael himself dozed on the couch. Sonny nearly swooned at how adorable the two of them were. His husband and his daughter- he didn’t think those two words would ever not fill his heart with joy. 

 

It was almost surreal to Sonny, but so right. He barely remembered being the child that refused to start a family like his parents had. The teenager that accepted he would never have a child of his own. The young, not getting any younger, man who was terrified he would end up alone and not get the chance. 

 

But now, here he was in an apartment he had bought with his husband after only a year of dating, because even then, they both knew this was it. Here he was holding a wine glass that had come from a set given to him as a wedding present by his aunt, who had told him he was going to hell for ‘being a queer’ as a child, but reconciled with him and even made an effort to get to know his husband. Here he was treading lightly around his home, careful not to step on the various toys and baby equipment that was scattered across the apartment. 

 

Sonny shook Rafael’s shoulder lightly, removing the baby from his arms.

 

“Hey, I’ll put Angie to bed, don’t fall asleep on the couch okay?” He whispered, as to not wake the sleeping child. 

 

Rafael nodded, and grabbed at the back of Sonny’s neck dragging him down into a gentle kiss, then planted one on the top of his daughter’s head.

 

Sonny knew then that this was all he would ever need.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated
> 
> my twitter is @snnycarisi


End file.
